Mar 25 .

Mar 24 .

Mar 23 .

Mar 22 .

Mar 21 . Missing Husband

A woman went to the police station with her next-door neighbour to report that her husband was missing. The policeman asked for a description. She said, "He's 35 years old, 6 foot 4, had dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children."

The next-door neighbour protested, "Your husband is 5 foot 4, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children."

The wife replied, "Yes, but who wants *him* back?"

Mar 20 . Kill The Umpire

At one game, a lady kept up a steady flow of threats at the umpire. No matter what was happening on the field, she kept yelling, "Kill the umpire!" This went on for an hour. Another patron said, "Lady, the umpire hasn't done anything wrong."

The woman said, "He's my husband and he came home last night with lipstick on his collar. Kill the umpire!!"

Mar 19 . Someone In Charge Of A Plant

Scott and Peter had applied for jobs at a large company and had to take an intelligence test. Though both of them found the test a breeze, except that they admitted to being momentarily stumped by the final question:

"Name a 14 letter word for someone in charge of a plant."

"How did you answer that last one?" asked Scott. "I thought it was tough at first... then I thought of Superintendent."

"I think I got it right too," Pete said. "But I wrote down Horticulturist."

Mar 18 . War Games On The Cheap

With the cuts in defense spending the army had to go without rifles and machine guns. The platoon sergeant gave the men sticks and told them they were rifles and if you tied two sticks together it became a machine gun. When the next war games came up he told the men, "Just point the stick at the enemy and say bangetty bang bang and they fall over dead. If there are a group of men point your two sticks at them and say ratta tat tat and they fall over dead."

Private Murphy lay in ambush and when the enemy came by he pointed his stick, shouted bangetty bang bang or ratta tat tat, and they all fell over dead. A whole squad of the enemy came marching down the trail and he jumped out and shouted ratta tat tat, ratta tat tat but they kept on coming. They knocked him down, marched over him and continued down the trail.

Battered and bruised he pulled himself up on one elbow and watched them march away. The last man in the squad looked back at Murphy, smiled and said, "Tanketty tank tank, tanketty tank tank."

Mar 17 . Attacking The Enemies To The West

A knight and his men return to their castle after a hard month of riding.

"How are we faring?" his king asks.

"Sire," replies the knight, "I have been robbing and pillaging on your behalf all day, burning the towns of your enemies in the west."

"What?!" shrieks the king. "I don't have any enemies to the west!"

"Oh." replies the knight. "Well, you do now."

Mar 16 . Encountering Spanish Explorers

I was trying to get my seventh-grade history class to understand how the Indians must have felt when they first encountered the Spanish explorers. "How would you feel," I asked, "if someone showed up on your doorstep who looked very different, spoke a strange language and wore unusual clothes? Wouldn't you be a bit scared?"

"Nah," one boy answered, "I'd just figure it was my sister's date."

Mar 15 . Robot Secretary

A young boy asked his mother, "Ma, is it true that people can be taken apart like machines?"

"Of course not, where did you hear such nonsense?" replied his mother.

The young boy answered, "The other day, Daddy was talking to someone on the phone, and he said that he screwed the ass off his secretary."

Mar 14 . No Need For Marriage Counselling

A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counselling came up.

"Oh, we'll never need that. My husband and I have a great relationship," the wife explained. "He was a communications major in college, and I majored in theatre arts. He communicates really well, and I just act as if I'm listening."

Mar 13 . Stealing Lumber

A man with a nagging secret couldn't keep it any longer. In the confessional he admitted that for years he had been stealing building supplies from the lumberyard where he worked.

"What did you take?" the priest asked.

"Enough to build my own house and enough for my son's house. And houses for our two daughters and our cottage at the lake."

"This is very serious," the priest said. "I shall have to think of a far-reaching penance. Have you ever done a retreat?"

"No, Father, I haven't," the man replied. "But if you can get the plans, I can get the lumber."

Mar 12 . A Day Off Work

So you want a day off. Let's take a look at what you are asking for:

There are 365 days per year available for work. There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work. Since you spend 16 hours each day away from work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available.

You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break, which counts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available. With a 1 hour lunch each day, you used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work.

You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days per year available for work. We are off 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days. We generously give 14 days vacation per year, which leaves only 1 day available for work and I'll be darned if you are going to take that day off!

Mar 11 . Bush & Bin Laden's Dreams

Bin Laden phoned President George W. Bush. "I had a dream about the United States," he said. "I could see the whole country, and over every building and home was a banner," said Bin Laden.

"What was on the banner?" asked Mr. Bush.

"LONG LIVE OSAMA!" answered the terrorist.

"I am so glad that you called," said President Bush, "because I too had a dream. In my dream, I saw Afghanistan and it was more beautiful than ever, totally rebuilt with many tall, gleaming office buildings, large residential subdivisions with swimming pools full of men and women; and over every building and home was a big, beautiful banner."

"What did the banner say?" asked Osama.

"I don't know," answered President Bush, "I can't read Hebrew."

Mar 10 . Bad News Good News Bad News

I was attending church as a visitor several weeks ago and heard the following:

"I have good news, and I have bad news.

First, the bad news: we need a new roof.

Next, the good news: we have the money to pay for it (waits for pleased murmurs to recede).

Next, more bad news: the money is still in your pockets."

Mar 09 . Hard All Day

I have to share an experience that happened in my nursing class about sexuality. You see we are about to graduate from an LPN program this week and this person I'm going to tell you about will be a new nurse.

Our instructor was lecturing about self-examination of the breast or testicles when a female student asked another male student and me if we ever got an erection while we did self-examination of our testicles.

We answered that it was possible that we had. You know, you don't really want everyone to know when you get aroused.

She then asked, "What do you do about it?"

We said in unison, "Nothing, why?"

She then say, "You mean you go around with a hard penis all day?"

We said no way!

She then states, "You mean a man's penis will go down without having an orgasm?"

We both said yes.

At which time she says, "I'm going to kill my husband!"

Mar 08 . Soon To Be Three In The House

The newly wed wife said to her husband when he returned from work: "I have great news for you. Pretty soon we're going to be three in this house instead of two."The husband started glowing with happiness and kissing his wife said: "Oh darling, I'm the happiest man in the world."

But then she said: "I'm glad that you feel this way because tomorrow morning my mother moves in with us."

Mar 07 . Changing Positions

A man makes a suggestion to his wife, "Honey, what do you say that tonight we change positions?"

His wife responds with, "yes, I would really like that. Tonight, you stand by the ironing board and I'll lay on the couch and watch TV."

Mar 06 . Overweight Problem

I recently had a medical exam, and all the doctor could find wrong with me, was that i was overweight.

"I'm prescribing these pills for you," my doctor told me. "I don't want you to swallow them. Just spill them on the floor twice a day and pick them up, one at a time."

Mar 05 . Ordering Beer in McDonalds

A German tourist walks into a McDonald's in New York City and orders a beer. The local guy in the line behind him immediately gives him a verbal jab, "They don't serve beer here, you moron!"

The German fellow felt embarrassed, however he turned to the New Yorker with a surprised look on his face and begins to chuckle.

"And what's so funny?" the New Yorker demands.

"Oh, nothing really, I just realized how stupid you are. You came here for the food!"

Mar 04 . Owning Lots Of Land

A Texan was visiting a Maine farmer ("fahmah"). The Texas rancher was boasting to his host about the size of his spread: "I can get into my pickup truck and drive all day and still not reach the boundary of my ranch," he bragged.

The Mainer shook his head knowingly, and replied, "Aayuhh, I had a truck like that once."

Mar 03 . New Cocktail

Girl and her boyfriend go to the pub. When it's the girl's turn to buy a round, she tells him that she's heard of a wonderful new drink he simply must try.

She returns with the usual half of lager for herself. For him, she has two glasses. One contains a measure of Bailey's, the other lime juice.

Instructions: "OK, what you gotta do is, you gotta swig the Bailey's, hold it in your mouth, and then drink the lime juice."

He looks a bit dubious, but she's very enthusiastic so he decides to give it a go.

First the Bailey's; lovely smooth, creamy, warm feeling in the mouth. Then he takes the lime juice.

T + 0.1 secs: The cream in the Bailey's curdles.
T + 0.3 secs: Boyfriend's face turns the colour of fresh lime juice.
T + 0.6 secs: Boyfriend calms his stomach & swallows the gunge.
T + 1.5 secs: She whispers in his ear....

"It's called Blowjob revenge."

Mar 02 . Punishment

The minister's little six-year-old girl had been so naughty during the week, that her mother decided to give her the worst kind of punishment. She told her she couldn't go to the Sunday School Picnic on Saturday.

Then, when the day came, her mother felt she had been too harsh and changed her mind. When she told the little girl she could go to the picnic, the child's reaction was one of gloom and unhappiness.

"What's the matter? I thought you'd be glad to go to the picnic." her mother said. "It's too late!" the little girl said. "I've already prayed for rain!"

Mar 01 . Embarassing Moment

One day at a trial, an eminent psychologist was called to testify. A severe no nonsense professional, she sat down in the witness chair unaware that it's rear legs were set precariously on the back of the raised platform.

"Will you state your name?" asked the district attorney.

Tilting back in her chair she opened her mouth to answer, but instead catapulted head-over-heels backward and landed in a stack of exhibits and recording equipment.

Everyone watched in stunned silence as she extricated herself, rearranged her dishevelled dress and hair and was reseated on the witness stand. The glare she directed at onlookers dared anyone to so much as smirk.

"Well, doctor," continued the district attorney without changing expression, "we could start with an easier question."